Crying Woman

A woman gets onto a bus, and all the time she's crying. An old man who is sitting on the bus invites her to come and sit next to him, offers her a handkerchief, pats her on the arm and says, "There, there... what's happened to upset you, my dear?"

Crying so bitterly she can hardly speak, the woman manages to sob out, "I'm so upset...everybody says... that my baby...is ugly!"

"Oh dear," says the kindly old gentleman, "What a terrible thing to say. Never mind, you sit here and have a good cry; that'll make you feel better. Now just make yourself comfortable - I'll hold the monkey for you..."

The Problem he has

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, “You use to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. “Then you use to bite my neck. “Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going ?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Jocks wedding

Archie and Jock are dicussing Jocks wedding,
"Ach its all going well, Ive got everything organised. I even bought a kilt to be married in." Archie says "thats grand, whats the tartan?"
Jock said "I'd imagine she'll be in white!"

A wild party

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bathrobe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks: "What the hell -- what happened last night?" He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks: "What happened last night? It must have been a wild party." He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is: "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

Freshman in football team

A jumbo-size freshman went to try out for the football team. The coach asked him if he could tackle and he said: "Hell yeah, get a load of this!" and with that, he knocked over a telephone pole as if it were made of balsa wood.

The coach was dumbfounded and asked if the boy could run, to which the boy replied: "Hell yeah!" and he sprinted from end zone to end zone like lightning.

The coach stood there with his mouth agape to see such a huge boy run so fast. He finally composed himself and said: "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman stopped to think for a few seconds, then said: "Hell yeah, if I can swallow it, I can pass it!"

ow many women can a man marry?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him: "How many women can a man marry?"

"16." the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'.

Two Irish farmers

Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the SAME price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with.

"See!" said one. "I told you we should have gotten a bigger truck!"

Black Belts

Q: How many Black Belts does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It doesn't matter. By the time the team completed the Cpk, CTQ, R&R, QFD, DOE, 5S and SPC, it was daytime again and the customer didn't need the light bulb any more.

Duck Kiss

Three guys went to heaven, Jim, Bill, and Alex. They were told never kiss a duck or something bad will happen. So one day Jim comes walking by Bill and Alex with the most ugliest girl on handcuffed to him. They said "Jim what happend to you?" and he said "I kissed a duck". The next day Billy came walking by Jim and Kenny with the most uglyest girl handcuffed to his hand. They said "Bill what happened ?" he said " I kissed a duck". The next day Alex comes walking with the MOST beautiful girl handcuffed to his hand and Jim and Billy said "WOW! how?? what happened ?" he said " she kissed a duck..

I'm keeping myself pure

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband really upset."

Relatives of yours

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

What's the Difference ?

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the DAMN difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

Darn, I missed

One day a man named Bob was playing a round of golf with the Pope. On the first hole, Bob hits the ball into a sand trap.

"Darn, I missed." says Bob.

The Pope says, "You shouldn't say that, it is bad."

Later on in the day on the ninth hole Bob hits the ball into the water. "Darn, I missed." says Bob again.

The Pope says, "Don't say that, next time you do, God will strike you down with a lightning bolt."

Close to the end of the day on the last hole, Bob hits it an inch short of the hole. "Darn, I missed." says Bob once again.

The Pope looks into the sky as the clouds start to split apart. Then a lightning bolt comes down from heaven, striking and killing the Pope.

God's voice echos, "Darn, I missed."

Swallowed a quarter

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidentally swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter.

They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.

He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied,

No sir I'm just a tax collector.

Devils challenged the Angels

The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.

"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.

"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.

Die swinging from a tree

The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff,

"Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?"

"Course not," replied the Sheriff. "We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you."

Went to a nightclub

One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade."

Men Jokes

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

I am surprised

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer

"Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."

The priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!"

Missing Chicks

An older lady got on the bus and she had a crate of baby chicks in her hands and she accidentally dropped the crate when she climbed the steps and the chicks escaped and ran underneath the seats. Everyone was trying to help her get the chicks back but one chick went under the driver's seat. The lady got down on her hands and knees and reached under the seat when she accidentally cut a nasty fart. Without missing a beat, Russ the driver of the bus quipped, "that's right lady, if you can't catch 'em, then gas 'em or shoot 'em

American tourist in London

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

Penguin Delivery

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies

We Split

She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.

Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for!

Besides, my beer was 40 bucks cheaper.

I don't think she's coming back

Phone books in China

Why are there no phone books in China?

Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number

All the good players and the best coaches

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game that would be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the Heavenly Host and the devil's own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But I hope that you realize that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right." Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Playing Golf

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

Talking birds

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Protect the ring

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

Write my speech

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

I like Engineers

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

Graduate Huh?

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I’m a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom — I’ll show you how.

Don't pay attention to what he says

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad!, Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June!"

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

Harsh Truth

Little Girl: Mommy, what is that you are putting on your face?

Mommy: It's cold cream to make me beautiful.

Little Girl: It doesn't work, does it?

What to put

A little boy runs across this man who has a truck load of cow manure and the boy asks him what he is going to do with all of that cow poop.
The man tells the little boy, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.”

The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”

Losing Control

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the pitcher. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.” “When is that?” “Right after the national anthem.”

Not this time

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified to look at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

I think you're the father of one of my kids

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that got me so excited I had to lay you right there on the pool table with all my buddies spraying whip cream on us???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, actually I'm your son's since teacher."

Who will Survive

A Britisher, a Frenchman, a Mexican and a Texan were on a small plane. All of a sudden the engine sputtered and they realized that they had to lighten the load or else all would die. Only one could stay on the plane, so they drew straws and the Mexican got to stay.

The British fellow steps to the door, yells "God save the Queen!" and jumps out.

The Frenchman goes to the door, places his hat over his heart, yells "Viva la France!" and jumps out.

The Texan gets up, hollers "Remember the Alamo!" and pushes the Mexican out.

The 'Love' dress

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Lost Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife:

"Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"

Tit for Tat

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

Bush Scan

George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan. The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side."

Bush interrupted, "Well, that's normal, isn't it? Doesn't everyone have two sides to their brain?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, Mr. President, but your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn't anything right, while on the right side there isn't anything left !" 

Two Lips and Seven Kisses.

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?" The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!" So the woman asked, "Is this a record?" To which the man replied, "No, its average!"

Welcome

Welcome to the Daily Jokes Blog, I hope to keep you updated with a fresh joke every day :)