Missing Chicks

An older lady got on the bus and she had a crate of baby chicks in her hands and she accidentally dropped the crate when she climbed the steps and the chicks escaped and ran underneath the seats. Everyone was trying to help her get the chicks back but one chick went under the driver's seat. The lady got down on her hands and knees and reached under the seat when she accidentally cut a nasty fart. Without missing a beat, Russ the driver of the bus quipped, "that's right lady, if you can't catch 'em, then gas 'em or shoot 'em

American tourist in London

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."

Penguin Delivery

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies

We Split

She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore. Too bad, but I would have to quit drinking.

Then the next day I caught her spending $65.00 on a tiny bottle of make-up.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that wasn't necessary, that's what the beer was for!

Besides, my beer was 40 bucks cheaper.

I don't think she's coming back