Supermarkets and Wives

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going."
The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first guy says.
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt.
What does your wife look like?"
To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours."

My Wish

A man was cruising on his Harley up the California coast when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. Of course I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how a woman feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Colored Hair

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, "You've
got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment I
embraced her and then gave it my all right there
on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Women are very mean.

Heart Attack

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister
, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Female Dog', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack,


and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

Revenge of a boy

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!

Weed

It doesn’t give you special powers. It doesn’t magically make you cool. It’s not a lifestyle. It’s not a way of living. It’s weed. It’s nice, whatever. Be high. Stop acting like you’re a part of a cool club because you smoke weed. Shut up.

One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he
was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He
stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet
masturbating.
The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in
there and that he should save it for marriage.
Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest.
About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how
he was doing with his problem.
Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"

A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he
approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no
greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this
looks just like Arizona." "The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not
Saint Peter...and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do
you?"

Difference

Said the FBI agent to the bank teller after the bank was robbed for the third time by the same bandit, "Did you notice anything special about the man?"

Pizza Delivery

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." "Is that so?" snorted Larry. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

Asking for Viagra

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart
and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks
quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took
five or six pills at once you might."

Mistake

A cop pulls a young guy over:
"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.
"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.
Yup, but I didn't see you!