I'm keeping myself pure

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband really upset."

Relatives of yours

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

What's the Difference ?

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the DAMN difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

Darn, I missed

One day a man named Bob was playing a round of golf with the Pope. On the first hole, Bob hits the ball into a sand trap.

"Darn, I missed." says Bob.

The Pope says, "You shouldn't say that, it is bad."

Later on in the day on the ninth hole Bob hits the ball into the water. "Darn, I missed." says Bob again.

The Pope says, "Don't say that, next time you do, God will strike you down with a lightning bolt."

Close to the end of the day on the last hole, Bob hits it an inch short of the hole. "Darn, I missed." says Bob once again.

The Pope looks into the sky as the clouds start to split apart. Then a lightning bolt comes down from heaven, striking and killing the Pope.

God's voice echos, "Darn, I missed."

Swallowed a quarter

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidentally swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter.

They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy.

He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said You must be an expert! The man replied,

No sir I'm just a tax collector.

Devils challenged the Angels

The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.

"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.

"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.