can't get them apart.

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said, "My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can't get them apart."

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said "Yes, but it didn't work."

He said, "Did you try hitting them with a broom."
She said, "Yes, but that didn't work either."

He then said, "Well Ma'am here's what you do. Hang up. I'll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate."

She said, "Do you really think that will work?"
He said, "Well it just did for me!"

Hi 5

Supermarkets and Wives

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going."
The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first guy says.
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt.
What does your wife look like?"
To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours."

My Wish

A man was cruising on his Harley up the California coast when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. Of course I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how a woman feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Colored Hair

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake she turned and said softly, "You've
got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment I
embraced her and then gave it my all right there
on the kitchen table.


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Women are very mean.

Heart Attack

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister
, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Female Dog', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack,


and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'